Fix My Life: Calendar
April 2014 M T W T F S S « Nov 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30
it is really hard for me to write by hand and keep track of my thoughts. focusing has always been a struggle for me, i am so easily distracted, by discomfort, the lure of doing something more entertaining and less taxing. cramps in my fingers, the thought of a time in the future where i’ll have a better desk, a voice dictation program…be less distracted by noise, or have some external source of creativity. however, those times never seem to come. i find that my excuses bleed out and muddy all situations. another excuse can always be found, another obstacle to ruin my writing. i am aware that i have a gift for words, in whatever way i pursue, but i can never seem to make it stick as a hobby, and to me if its work it is false. i suppose that is where i need to change. make writing a hobby AND a job. simultaneously. find a way to enjoy writing, and write hoever possible, because writing is what i love to do, what i need to do, what i have to do. so write, write by hand, write with pen, pencil, type, dictate, do it however possible…
so, picturing the end of the world is something i’ve always done. it’s an obsession, a sometimes harmful one to my life, due to my tendency to make decisions based on my mood. my mood can effect how i see the future and my view of the future effects how much i consider the outcome of my decisions. a negative outlook on my possible future gives me the mind that nothing i do matters because the future will suck regardless. for a long time knowing my mother would die was my excuse. the thought of life without her was real, i chased it away by becoming what i used to hate in a way. a hedonist, i found ways to live which i never understood. i made myself into a criminal by “knowing” it didnt matter in the “grand scheme” because i’ll just die a nothing in the future anyways. then my biggest desire was answered and my view of life had to be re-thought. no longer could i be a nothing in the future. because i found the love of my life, the one that makes my future a reality. i only want to succeed to be with her. she is my lifeline and my greatest prize.
hello my sweet love, i miss you so much. things only seem to be getting harder at this time. i suppose because everything continues to get more real, more set in stone. it’s now past the time i would have been out from my violation. oh, what a twisted web i’ve weaved…foregoing my own principles and understanding of how things work. i have a great understanding, but i’ve again allowed my ego to grow to such proportions as to think i am entitled to freedoms others aren’t allowed. as if knowing the rules to the game precludes me from the necessity of playing the game. as it turns out, if you play the game, knowing the rules only gives you the ability to succeed, not the actual success. the ego wants shortcuts, and free passes. so the character i’m developing has been outlandish. understanding how to beat the system, yet completely ignoring all the outs i’ve discovered simply because i was bright enough to see them. so my future is dimmed at least in the short term. but you, you are my bright and shining star, my goddess princess. you make me want to prove that i am something better than these laws could define. i want to prove that im worthy of your love. your love is so amazing, your love gives me wings. i don’t want to go any time without you. but realizing we’ve been gifted with a long-term future, i must endure this time. so that i can prove myself in the long-run, so i can be with you in the long run… four years without you, so i can have you forever. your love is my lifeline. everything you do for me keeps me going. i want to give you so much and make everything up to you. i wish i could get a redo on so many things, but i must push forward and see only our future together. living our lives as one, taking our journey one step at a time together, showing that our love is real by how we live, proving everyone who doubts wrong by the strength of our love.
“her beauty is an everlasting spring
she cleansed my soul with her smile
no regrets because, she is mine”
i miss you dearly, and your beautiful smile, which i adore. i was so happy to get a few more pictures of you from your dad. i only wish i wouldn’t have gotten you in trouble. a great 48 hours, but also a step back in many ways. we must decide on the framework of our lives. i am endless possibility and i choose you, i choose us.
the goal is apparent, the path is ?
you are my sunshine
my only sunshine
you make me happy
when skies are grey
i love my sunshine
and she is all mine
in the end
she has all the say
i’m so cold blooded its like slurpee in my veins
frozen tears from all you lames
ive noticed all you sheep over the years
laced with 100 percent extract of fears
from you queers i have the shears
hear me i am the seer
“brainstorm” i am the be-er
the being, the free-ing, the thinking man
personalities as crazy as the sands
of time, tequila lime
salt of the earth, this is rebirth, i am
remade you faggots remain the same
i am the definition of change
you lie, and give false hope to this generation
of dopes, i perceive the truth and emerge
given the ruthless need to make you bleed
for eternity, i have the key
to unlock and truly free all your kind
lame reality show stops, lock up behind
bars of ignorance, scars of history
forget the fake enemy
we are the true terror reigning american disease.
a vast array of ideas surface when thinking of character development. we all play differing roles in the multiple aspects of our lives. brother, son, fiance, friend, leader, follower, enemy. now, knowing these roles and the way others define them we get an understanding of what we are “responsible” for as our society depends on these norms of character to function. it is the subject we call “social science.” as in all sciences, there are formulas to success in the real life applications of social science and ANY forethought into the development of a part of your character can be said to be “manipulation.” Point blank, to be a human is to be aware that we are aware, to be the observer in a game of characters called life. any choice we make out of this awareness changes the gameboard and thus we…the observer behind the body, behind the brain, mind, and thoughts – the proverbial “I” has manipulated the manifested world. we have power to change within the rules of the universe. that power is what we call “free will.” free will is manipulation. like anything else is a particle and a wave…it is a field of possibility, a spectrum perceived as good & evil, relative to the observers…
coming from my perspective, one of an occult following believer in the power of gnosis, i’ve heard a few theories i tend to believe. solar flares are the most believable to me. at this point in time, a major solar flare would have a tremendous impact on society initially in a negative way. the grid would be utterly destroyed and it would take a decade to rebuild connections and recover from even minor catastrophes that are possible. the worst-case scenario would be hundreds of years, if not the end of the human race. believing in the coming age of aquarius, i think in more minor physical problems and more immense conscious development. the epiphany in the case of a catastrophic solar flare would be global, with people seeing the mayan’s use of cyclical predictions and cosmology, astronomy and astrology, uniting, people will look at life differently on a fundamental level. it will take a long time, but the change in outlook and life on the planet will emerge from the solar flare event to a much more harmonious world. my own wishes compiled with what i’ve heard as possibilities and what i feel is most likely. not exactly a psychic phenomenon, but i do feel something big on the horizon. certainly can’t overlook a massive war on a global scale looming right around the corner. it seems impossible to avoid. the truth is, i want something to happen. it would benefit me and my fantasy of getting out and being free. the truth is i have no idea and my judgement is clouded with emotion.
i pray for change, i pray for revolution.
my favorite drink i think could sink
mount everest if she blinked
not as if my drink couldn’t sink
the entire ocean if my drink and i were in sync.
but she and i were on the brink
of losing ourselves in stink
and i pushed my drink and i got drunk
on live and we sunk
down under the weighty glove
of forgetting why we had to meet
i drank my drink and we sank and drowned
together with no link to life
and beauty, my wife
i know my drink is alive.
she became the life raft
of love and all laughs
as we rose back to the top.
a pinnacle of a lively soul
my drink is what i need
she and i, linked can free
all the frozen souls
from the frozen sea
i think my-tai and me
and did i mention all the kink.
dot to be drawn
a write of a fury
a ride horse fury
a writers fury
dot to be drawn
left in a hurry
cars on the lawn
mess so muddy
train til im gone
train til im right
or write til im wrong
rhyming is fun
no song no sonnet.
dot to be drawn
a song a blanket
of snow a slurry
cars on the lawn
cold and blurry
tools to drive
fast-food leaves you
desert life needs
dot to be drawn
insuring for floods
unless its wet
no dice for you to win
barrier of words
insults mean death
war til we leave you hurting
cars on the lawn
blown to bits in the fury
peace be with him
70 something virgins
dot to be drawn
guns on the lawn
fire and fury
world war III
time you be learnin
an arrow in flight
an enemy and a friend
leading the charge
through the message sent.